About adoption “fog”?
ByQuestion by bailie28: About adoption “fog”?
this is in response to another question earlier about adoption fog..and an answerer responded that any person who does not wish to know their history..that they are sleeping or in a fog..how can someone not want to know…it may seem odd but i think it can be done..in fact i know from my own birth brother it is possible..he was taken when he was 6 months old from his mother..i was 2 and a half..had he not been adopted with me..there would have been no reason in the world to tell him about his adoption..he was told because of me…i am the one with the issues about the adoption..because i did not bond with my adopted family in anyway shape or form..he on the other hand…had no problem….even with the abuse that we suffered as kids..he still thinks of them as his parents..we have had discussions on this because i didnt understand him for the longest time…till he told me…the day i told him i found our sister..he told me he had no memories of anything other than what we grew up with.
and perhaps if he had..he would have felt the need to search…for the longest time he wanted to know nothing that i found…as we have hit our 30’s and my kids have gotten older..i think he realized for me there were other reasons to find out..other than just knowing…so to say that someone can have no need to search is really not true..because it can happen…some people are secure in the life they lead..the life they have and the family in which they grew up with and have no need to know anything else…
what are your thoughts?
Best answer:
Answer by PhilM
Searching has nothing to do with security in the adoptive family. Searching has nothing to do with the adoptive family at all. (Someone who had problems in the adoptive family may search more readily, but many adoptees I know that love and feel accepted by their adoptive family have searched.)
And, frankly, my refusal to say that someone is in a fog (or denial, if you prefer) is a general claim. You don’t know what is really true in your brother’s subconscious. You just know what he tells you. You can’t be certain he’s not in denial anymore than someone else can be certain he is in denial.
I had no memories of my first mom. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to search.
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2 Comments
March 21st, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I have friends and relatives who were adopted. Some wanted to search and did. Others had felt no need to seek out their birthfamily. I don’t think it had much to do with their relationships to their adoptive families, but more on the personality of the individual.
I think it’s possible for an adoptee to be secure in his/her identity and have no wish to search for their birthfamily. Meaning that they aren’t in denial or a fog. Not implying that adoptees who do search aren’t secure in their identities. (Re-read what I wrote!)
March 21st, 2011 at 3:41 pm
How old is your brother? I know that my ideas about adoption have changed significantly over the years. There was a time when I really thought I did not want to search. I eventually did. Timing is a big part of the equation.