Do you really believe open adoption is confusing and abnormal?

I haven’t read any answers or posted any answers saying that open adoption is “abnormal”, but I do read a lot of answers saying how terrible closed adoptions are and how horrible adoptive parents are. Gosh, someone wanted to give you a home and a family…yeah your life REALLY sucks..

I think all kinds of adoptions are great. I just personally believe that closed adoptions are more for me and my family and in my opinion my life wasn’t adversely affected by a closed adoption the way so many people seem the think such an adoption will affect you. I also don’t think that living in a blended family would be the same thing as being in an open adoption. I had a closed adoption and I am a part of a blended family. I wouldn’t compare that with what I imagine my life as if my adoption had been open. Of course I was born in Korea so an open adoption for me most likely could have never taken place. A lot of kids do adapt to whatever is normal for them, however in my opinion there was a good reason that the birth parents gave the child up for someone else to raise. I don’t believe you can still be a parent to a child you gave to someone else to raise because being a parent is more than just having a baby.

EDIT: Ladybmw what exactly is your point? Yes in my PERSONAL situation I was able to have a more “normal” childhood since my adoption was closed. I can’t speak for anyone else’s situation but my own. I am internationally adopted from a country where I do not know the language. When I was young we traveled a lot since my father was in the military and in my PERSONAL experience life was dramatic enough without having an open adoption that would have added chaos and drama especially since I can’t speak the language, don’t know the customs, and have a lot of extended family and family drama as it is. I was a product of an affair. Neither of my birth parents wanted me. Do you think it would be normal or healthy for a small child to have the parents in her life that looked like her (the only asian adults I would have been connected to at the time) that did not want her? I actually think that could have created some issues. I never said that it was “abnormal” at all and in my experience closed adoptions were best for me. That’s my opinion and you can pretty much take it or leave it. Thanks.

I also wanted to add that the reason I put the word normal in quotation marks when I used it to describe my own life and situation is because I understand that the word normal is subjective. I was using it to describe what was normal for me.

I will be blunt and real……as a potential adoptive mother i consider closed adoption mostly for my benefit of not having to “deal” witht hte real paretns….and also b/c adoption is usually to start your “Own” family….not to gain another family…..sorry i know how this sounds and thats why i am considerring both open and closed adoptions….after reading some posts from actual adoptees…..i realize i want the best option for my child not for me.

I wish that we could have had an open adoption. It is hard to heal a relationship when one person is absent. I do think that my son would have been better off keeping his mum in his life.
However, the courts deemed it dangerous, as his father is a violent man and mum would not give up her relationship with her abuser in order to keep her kids (he was also her drug connection).
If I found out today that she was no longer doing drugs and that dad was now out of the picture, I would consider opening the adoption.
Even now we live with the threat that dad might find out where the kids are and hurt us (yes he is that violent) especially now that he is no longer incarcerated. However, I have been assured that mom will give no info about us to him as she wants us all to be safe.

Dear LadyBMW1,

I do think adoption itself is confusing and abnormal, totally agree with Lillie.

Open adoption is a way to help deal with this confusion and hopefully help the child feel less abnormal. There is a tangible set of biological parents that love and adore the child too. When all four parents of an adoptee come together and work together for the best interests of the child, how could it be wrong?

more family to love……..i still see more good than bad in open adoptions.

I applaud you for honoring an open adoption. Best wishes.

I think what would be more confusing would be to live a life of secrets, only to find out that the people you trusted, hid something HUGE from you. Talk about confused!

Open adoption may be awkward, but if it is handled in the correct manner, may be better for everyone involved. Notice, I say “may”. I understand that open adoption is not always possible, however, I do feel communication is key, and if there is any information to offer to adoptees, it should be forwarded to them (at an age appropriate time of course).

Our adoption is open and closed. It is closed to the children. They were adopted as older children, and knew their parents, but due to abuse and neglect the parents are NOT allowed to see them for a very long time; however, I offered to meet with them myself annually to share pictures, see how they are doing, and keep that contact and a journal for when my children are older and want to initiate contact.

But my kids were older so that maybe is different, but if I had adopted a child from birth, I could not imagine hvaing it closed where I shared no info with my child, or tried to keep things “normal”, when in fact being adopted is a different way to form a family than birth, and some things will be different. If done right, I think we can avoild harm to the children if we keep informaiton open, and let them be who they are and feel how they feel and support them in any way we can.

I kind of think of open adoption alon the same lines of divorced parents. Just because I am divorced from my ex does not mean he does not have a right to have a relationship with our children. Actually the judge mandated it when he ordered that we have joint legal and physical custody. It is only abnormal to the kids if we as parents make it that way. Kids are pretty resilient and adjust alot better than adults do.

The same can be said about open adoption. If this is all the child knows it becomes a normal part of life. And I just don’t see how a child can be harmed by having two sets of parents that love them.

I personally think open adoption is a good idea- to an extent. Ultimately, I think that it should be the adoptees choice on whether or not they want to meet their biologicals. I had an open adoption have known my bmom my whole life. I only saw her at christmas and my birthdays, but it was healthy for both of us to meet up every once and a while. My bdad came in contact with my mom about two years ago, and it was my choice on whether or not i wanted to meet him. At the time, i didnt want to for personal reasons, but eventually i did, and since the optioin was there, i took it. Now i know both my bparents, but I only contact them when I want to.

Also, its relieving for me to know where I got some of my traits from and have access to family medical history.

Open adoption works best when the adoptee gets to decide who and when they meet.