How can I reccommend adoption to my friend without her being offended?

Keep your mouth shut and support her in whatever decision SHE makes. It is her baby and her decision.

“She decided to keep it, but now that I think about it adoption would be the best option for the baby.”—

really? and why do you believe that you are better qualified to decide what a person should do with their child? and how would it be selfish for a mother to keep her child? do you have a magic 8 ball that can predict whether this child will suffer with her; or never suffer with an adoptive family?

my recommendation: be a FRIEND and support her decision.

ETA: umm.. read your edits, and…

i still say you have no case. butt out of her uterus! and offer to babysit.

“I helped her decide against abortion, but so many people want kids that cant have them. People with money to support themselves.”

a few things:

1) it is not your friend’s job to breed for infertile people.
2) you have been WAY too involved in this young woman’s reproductive health.
3) people get LAID OFF, DIVORCE, FORCLOSE ON HOME; so your argument that other’s are better able is flawed.
4) people are placing you on blast to inform you of that you know nothing about adoption, and you have NO right to dictate what another does regarding her reproductive autonomy.

ps. abortion is NOT the alternative to adoption. it’s parenting; and you friend has chosen that.

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i really think you are a lousy friend.

Yes, because being torn away from your mother who wants you, and being brought up by people who brought you is always so much better??

How about, you help her.

u dont. u must want her babby 4 urself?

First are you concerns that the child will be neglected or abused in some way? Does she have support from her family? If you are truly concerned about the welfare of this child and are truly her friend you will talk to her about your concerns. See what her reasoning is and try to explain yours. That’s what friends do with each other. But don’t expect her to agree with you. It is her decision to make. Then what ever her decision is if you are truly her friend you will respect it and stand behind her. Friends never agree all the time but when it is a personal decision a true friend will respect it regardless of how they feel as it is not their life to live.

It never ceases to amaze me that people can “give their opinion” to someone pregnant when they mention abortion, but when adoption could be an option, “you are to keep your mouth shut”. I personally know this to be true- because the birth moms of my 2 children had many people in their lives saying that abortion would be the best answer. They chose life anyway. But if someone wants to even mention the word adoption – “keep your mouth shut”. Since she is your best friend, she should be willing to at least listen to you. Make sure you tell her that it ultimately is her choice, however, as her friend you feel that you need to share with her the option of adoption. You helped her make the decision not to abort – and she listened. Sharing about the negativity of abortion made a difference, maybe sharing the positive sides of adoption will help as well, but it is her choice in the end. God bless you for caring about your friend.

EDIT- why do I have the feeling if I answered this way about talking to her friend about aborting her child, that I would have gotten more thumbs up then down. What is this world coming too?

You can’t suggest your friend put her child up for adoption without offending her. Saying “I don’t think you’re worthy to raise your own child” is inherently offensive, no matter how you pretty it up.

Look, I don’t think there’s anyone in North American society who DOESN’T know adoption is an option. Your friend already knows that choice is available to her, and has decided to keep her baby. She doesn’t need “advice” about a choice she already made.

And frankly, I don’t think you’re being a very good friend. You’re judging her without even giving her a chance. If she proves to be neglectful of her child, call Child Protective Services, because then she’s actually doing something wrong. But don’t brand her as a bad mother before she’s even had a chance to try. You aren’t being fair to her.

There are lots of means of support out there for her and her child, and you’d be a more supportive and kind friend helping her get hooked up with that. There are welfare benefits, state subsidized housing, WIC to provide nutrition for mom and baby, Medicaid for medical expenses, and thrift stores or community outreach programs for clothing. You could help her get hooked up with those services. You could help her find affordable alternatives for childcare (for example, a retired person might be willing to watch the baby while the mom works, in exchange for the mom’s help with housework or yardwork instead of money.) There’s all kinds of stuff available to help your friend, and the best thing you can do is help her connect with these services.

Plenty of women do fine as single parents. Leave the attitude that a woman can’t live without a man back in the 1950’s where it belongs. That’s a pretty dated and patriarchal view.

Your friend has EVERY RIGHT to raise her own child. Implying to her that she shouldn’t even try is by definition offensive. Why not support your friend keeping her baby, instead of trying to pressure her to make the painful and live-altering decision to give it up? A good friend would help, instead of judging her without giving her a chance.

As for the abortion thing… I think you missed the crucial CHOICE part of pro-choice. I support a woman’s right to choose an abortion. But since your friend has not chosen that, and wants to carry her pregnancy to term, suggesting abortion is ALSO wildly inappropriate. Being truly pro-choice means supporting a woman’s right NOT to have an abortion if she doesn’t want to. People who are pro-choice don’t support forced or pressured abortions… we support a woman’s right to decide for herself.

Dear Lynn,

While I can appreciate that you wish to be involved and “help” you friend, please understand that this is a decision that your friends needs to make for herself and her child. I understand that you are concerned about this child’s welfare but there are some things that I think you might want to reconsider.

I am concerned that you think “adoption would be the best option for the baby”. Adoption is not a guarantee of a “better” life. Many adoptive families struggle financially as well (some have to borrow money to adopt or have bake sales and ask for donations!) and there is no assurance that families who have money at one time won’t lose it or that families who don’t have it won’t get it.

Besides, what is really important to children? “Biology” or “stuff”? Looking at a face that looks like yours and eating lots of PB & J or looking vastly different than your family and having a Nintendo? Having the same traits as your family and wearing hand-me-downs or feeling like you “don’t fit in” or “aren’t understood” and having a pool? Knowing where you got your musical talent, your double joints and your penchant for collecting bottle caps or getting a brand new car the minute you turn 16? (Most kids I know prefer playing with the box the toy came in anyway….)

****I’m NOT implying that adoptive families don’t love their children, most do INTENSELY,***** but some don’t. Some are abusive or neglectful. Again, you have NO GUARANTEE.

There are so many variables: How do you know the adoptive parents won’t get divorced or die or that your friend won’t meet Mr. Right and six months? What if she wins the lottery or gets and big inheritance from a long lost great Uncle or even just gets a good job in a few years?

You also have no idea how the adoption itself might effect this child. There are plenty of adoptees who have wonderful adoptive families and are still hurt by the fact that they were “given up”. Take a look through resolved questions or check out some blogs by adoptees and see what I mean. Would you want to take the chance that the child won’t be okay with it? Adoption IS wonderful for children who NEED homes, not ones who already have them.

What about how your friend will feel? First parents suffer. Some NEVER get over it. I don’t know of one who isn’t forever changed by the experience. Is that how you would prefer to lose your friend? Believe me – she won’t be the same person. Again, read through resolved questions or visit some blogs to get the full impact of what adoption does to surrendering parents. It is NOT selfish to want to parent your own child – it is natural. I have sympathy for people who cannot have children but it is not your friend’s responsibility to provide them with a child. I would question the motives of people who would knowingly adopt a child who’s mother wished to raise him or her anyway. It shows a lack of compassion for others and a certain level of selfishness that is not conducive to parenting. (I DO NOT MEAN APS WHO DON’T KNOW IF A PARENT WANTED TO PARENT.)

There are also these issues to think about:
What about the child’s rights to his or her records? Most states issue altered birth certificates and seal away the original paperwork forever. How is that fair to the child?

“Open” adoptions aren’t enforceable. Sometimes APs close them for NO REASON and there is nothing your friend will be able to do. Is it worth your friend having her trust violated this way? To possible lose her child FOREVER against her wishes and promises that might be made? Talk about DAMAGE! How would the child feel if they ever found out?

This decision need to be YOUR FRIEND’S. For herself and for HER CHILD. The BEST thing you can do for her is to be supportive and help her educate herself. Help her find resources for herself and her family. Help her apply for child support, WIC, food stamps, whatever. Offer to baby sit. Give her a shoulder to lean on. Let her take a nap. Collect donated baby things. HELP HER PARENT.

If you feel you want to bring up adoption, (which I wouldn’t advise as it is kind of rude) PLEASE do it gently and if she is interested help her EDUCATE herself about it. Adoption is a PERMANENT thing and she should not go into it blindly just because you think it might be a good idea. SHE and HER CHILD are the ones who will have to live with the decision. Not you.

Good luck to your friend and her family. I hope that she has a friend she can count on no matter what SHE decides. I wish all of you a happy and healthy future. Peace.

ETA: Please remember that there is NO SUCH THING as a
PERFECT (ideal) FAMILY. ALL families have problems. Friends help each other try to fix them.

I had a baby at 16 and had NO money at all or job,, but guess what my son is awesome I worked it out on my own and now have a wonderful husband and own a car, a house and now am expecting again. My son changed my life. I went from nothing to a hard working mom.
I also gave a child up for adoption before that and I knew before I told anyone I was pregnant what i wanted to do, but someone did suggest it to me and it was not pretty. I would suggest supporting your friend in what SHE wants to do. Just keep it shut sister.

I am NOT anti-adoption. I’m an adoptive parent. However, adoption really should be a last resort. It should be for children who are abused or neglected (Do you think your friend would abuse or neglect her child?) or for a child whose parents truly do not want their child and refuse to take care of it (You already said your friend wants to parent her child.) I don’t know the “extreme case” you are talking about. Since your friend seems to need some help right now, why don’t you do anything you can to help her, since she’s your friend who you care about and you care about her unborn child, also. I’m not saying financially support her, but you can emotionally support her. You can support her decision. You can help her find resources she may need. Truly, for anyone who WANTS to parent, there are lots of resourses. WIC is just one that comes to mind that insures that poverty won’t mean the baby will starve. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are probably other people on here that can suggest other support services that you can suggest to your friend. Please support your friend. She may be in a tough position right now, but help her through what is probably a temporary situation. Adoption is a permanant solution. So, basically, my answer is that you CAN’T recommend adoption without being offensive. She has told you she wants to parent so suggesting adoption IS offensive.

MYOB! If you’re really her friend, your job is to listen and be supportive as to what she decides, not tell her what you think she should do. You sound like you’ve already interfered enough.

Your friend is having a child. She is not a brood mare for “people [who] want kids that cant have them.” Just because the child is adopted doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she will have a better life.

You do realise if she has decided to keep her child you would essentially be coercing her to part with her baby? That is ethically and morally WRONG… Mothers and babies where possible should ALWAYS stay together… only in cases of abuse, drug use etc should adoption be brought up.

Adoption is forever….a permanent solution to a short term problem. Your friend may never recover from the loss of her child, how would you feel then? I doubt you would be friends any longer.

If you are a true friend, help her keep her baby… help her get the things she needs and the assistance she needs to keep HER baby. A true friend wouldn’t coerce a mother to part with her baby.

All the best to your friend and HER baby.

Why not work with her to find resources to help raise the child.

If you recommend adoption she will be offended. She must know all her choices and just let her know you are there to talk if she ever needs it, but it is none of your business to suggest adoption.

It may not be an “ideal” situation as you say, but she is choosing to bring a life in this world, and she may find it is her greatest blessing. She just needs help and support to get her the help she needs instead of giving her child away.

ok, im one of the supportive ppl, i have had friends in your situation, the ones that should not have kids at this moment ,its really hard to say because if you have never been in her spot, you don’t know what its like to carry a child and feel the life inside of you and then give it away, but for someone in my spot who cant get pregnant and has always dreamed about being a parent , i guess you can say we are going to come from 2 different angles, there are people out there that would love to give her baby a good home, that the baby can live well in, not saying she couldn’t be a good mom and give a good home, she probably would be the best, but at this moment things are not the greatest, so my sister is one of these people that is a crazy breeder, she is 21 with 3 kids, she tries her best but they’d be better off somewhere else, i have told her honestly what i feel, i am married, she is not, but she couldn’t do it, you have already talked her into not aborting,obviously she did have doubts in the beginning. next step tell her that you are glad she did not abort, but that she can have kids at a later time, when she is in a stable relationship and in a better living situation, but frankly you wanna be honest with her,, and you don’t want her to be mad at you , but you’re going to risk it to save her and the baby hardship down the road. tell her if she will go through with it you will help her through this difficult time, by sticking by her side NO MATTER WHAT SHE DECIDES. besides being completely out there , there really is no way to say that, sorry for the essay , lol, good luck, let me know how it goes