Comments on: How can I reccommend adoption to my friend without her being offended?

By: grapesgum

grapesgum — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:40:45 +0000

If you are truly her friend, please move heaven and earth to help her keep her child. Adoption would be living hell for her. Imagine for a moment how and your child would feel if you handed him/her over to strangers forever.

There is help for her. Her child will not suffer if she gets it.

By: lynsey

lynsey — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:28:54 +0000

ok, im one of the supportive ppl, i have had friends in your situation, the ones that should not have kids at this moment ,its really hard to say because if you have never been in her spot, you don’t know what its like to carry a child and feel the life inside of you and then give it away, but for someone in my spot who cant get pregnant and has always dreamed about being a parent , i guess you can say we are going to come from 2 different angles, there are people out there that would love to give her baby a good home, that the baby can live well in, not saying she couldn’t be a good mom and give a good home, she probably would be the best, but at this moment things are not the greatest, so my sister is one of these people that is a crazy breeder, she is 21 with 3 kids, she tries her best but they’d be better off somewhere else, i have told her honestly what i feel, i am married, she is not, but she couldn’t do it, you have already talked her into not aborting,obviously she did have doubts in the beginning. next step tell her that you are glad she did not abort, but that she can have kids at a later time, when she is in a stable relationship and in a better living situation, but frankly you wanna be honest with her,, and you don’t want her to be mad at you , but you’re going to risk it to save her and the baby hardship down the road. tell her if she will go through with it you will help her through this difficult time, by sticking by her side NO MATTER WHAT SHE DECIDES. besides being completely out there , there really is no way to say that, sorry for the essay , lol, good luck, let me know how it goes

By: minimouse68

minimouse68 — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:16:40 +0000

The answer is you cant reasonably suggest this. NONE of the reasons you’ve cited are good reasons for condemning a child and its mother to a lifetime without one another. That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in adoption, far from it, I am an adoptee, a happy one. I love my adoptive family with all my heart and would do anything for them. None of this changes the fact that I have lived all my life with feelings of hurt, rejection and alienation stemming from the fact that I was torn away from my birth mother. Don’t mistake our desire to see this child grow up with the mother who gave birth to her as a preference for abortion either, abortion has nothing to do with the decision to parent in this case, your friend has already made the decision not to abort. If you are going to suggest something like this in a forum like this one, don’t complain if you get non-complimentary responses. You are throwing this question at a bunch of people who have been on the receiving end of the life sentence that adoption is and looking at it from the point of view of someone who doesn’t have a clue.

By: Opedial

Opedial — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:00:02 +0000

Why not work with her to find resources to help raise the child.

If you recommend adoption she will be offended. She must know all her choices and just let her know you are there to talk if she ever needs it, but it is none of your business to suggest adoption.

It may not be an “ideal” situation as you say, but she is choosing to bring a life in this world, and she may find it is her greatest blessing. She just needs help and support to get her the help she needs instead of giving her child away.

By: Gaia Raain II

Gaia Raain II — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 20:51:36 +0000

“ooooh I see, a kid is only loved enough if its a 2 parent family. kudos to you on insulting single and widowed parents everywhere.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Your decision that she isn’t ready to be a mother really has nothing to do with her reality. Leave her alone, or be supportive.

By: myst1998

myst1998 — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 20:27:22 +0000

You do realise if she has decided to keep her child you would essentially be coercing her to part with her baby? That is ethically and morally WRONG… Mothers and babies where possible should ALWAYS stay together… only in cases of abuse, drug use etc should adoption be brought up.

Adoption is forever….a permanent solution to a short term problem. Your friend may never recover from the loss of her child, how would you feel then? I doubt you would be friends any longer.

If you are a true friend, help her keep her baby… help her get the things she needs and the assistance she needs to keep HER baby. A true friend wouldn’t coerce a mother to part with her baby.

All the best to your friend and HER baby.

By: Lori A

Lori A — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 19:53:31 +0000

You have NO idea what you are suggesting. I forgive you. We live in a world that censors the truth about adoption and the affects it has on those involved. You are obviously not one of those people or you would not suggest such a thing. How will you feel when you see your once lively vibrant friend turn into a lifeless empty shell who never fully recovers from your suggestion? Been there done that, and I would NEVER recommend it. Adoption ruins lives.

By: chazas

chazas — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 19:29:52 +0000

MYOB! If you’re really her friend, your job is to listen and be supportive as to what she decides, not tell her what you think she should do. You sound like you’ve already interfered enough.

Your friend is having a child. She is not a brood mare for “people [who] want kids that cant have them.” Just because the child is adopted doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she will have a better life.

By: Anha S

Anha S — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:57:49 +0000

What do you do? Resolve to not unilaterally decide what is best for someone other than yourself. Financial difficulties can well be temporary. Adoption is permanent. Your friend isn’t some brood mare to the infertile, they aren’t somehow more deserving of her child. Its not selfish to keep her own flesh and blood. There are resources out there that could help her, and as her friend, you should be supporting ~her~ decision to keep and raise her baby. The last thing she needs is a so called friend trying to coerce her into giving up her baby because she can’t provide all of life’s luxuries right now.

ETA ooooh I see, a kid is only loved enough if its a 2 parent family. kudos to you on insulting single and widowed parents everywhere.

By: Erin L

Erin L — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:23:29 +0000

I am NOT anti-adoption. I’m an adoptive parent. However, adoption really should be a last resort. It should be for children who are abused or neglected (Do you think your friend would abuse or neglect her child?) or for a child whose parents truly do not want their child and refuse to take care of it (You already said your friend wants to parent her child.) I don’t know the “extreme case” you are talking about. Since your friend seems to need some help right now, why don’t you do anything you can to help her, since she’s your friend who you care about and you care about her unborn child, also. I’m not saying financially support her, but you can emotionally support her. You can support her decision. You can help her find resources she may need. Truly, for anyone who WANTS to parent, there are lots of resourses. WIC is just one that comes to mind that insures that poverty won’t mean the baby will starve. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are probably other people on here that can suggest other support services that you can suggest to your friend. Please support your friend. She may be in a tough position right now, but help her through what is probably a temporary situation. Adoption is a permanant solution. So, basically, my answer is that you CAN’T recommend adoption without being offensive. She has told you she wants to parent so suggesting adoption IS offensive.