Just curious as to whether there are any first fathers here reading
about adoption?
By
pregnantnews
I’ve met a few fathers over the years who have serious sadness about losing a child to adoption, but usually it’s mothers who read and post on sites such as this. Wondering why that is?
Related posts:
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- Where can i find adoption statistics and interviews with adoption
“triad”?
- Is it better to ignore the bad side of adoption?
- Adoption!?
- Do you believe that step parent adoption, is the most unnecessary
form of adoption?
7 Comments
April 22nd, 2010 at 9:40 pm
I hate speaking for others, and I fully deserve thumbs down for attempting answer this. It’s a rare first father who even speaks publicly about their situation or feelings on the topic. I think I can count how many do online on one hand. I’ve seen one or maybe two fathers who relinquished or were forced to relinquish and are fighting for their children post here. There is one that blogs that isn’t here.
I can tell you that it doesn’t surprise me considering how much lack of respect people have regarding fathers. Fathers aren’t expected to drop everything to do 24 hour a day parenting. Fathers don’t have to stop their career plans on a positive pregnancy test. When unplanned crisis pregnancies happen, because of a woman’s right to choice, it’s one more step towards disregarding fatherhood, especially when women aren’t supposed to hold the men accountable. If the relationship is strained because of the pregnancy, how often do you hear about the expectant mothers wanting to keep their baby away from the fathers? Expectant mothers who are living questionable situations are allowed the opportunity to change their lives around in that time to become a parent, but fathers are written off. If an expectant mother considers adoption, they are encouraged to either not identify who the father is, or comply with the agencies in bypassing the rights of the father long before the actual baby is born. You never ever hear about women relinquishing to the fathers of their children.
So are they around, you betcha. But considering the amount of social brainwashing of their voices not being needed nor wanted, it does not surprise me at all that they aren’t here or anywhere really discussing relinquishment and adoption.
That being said, my husband just isn’t an internet junkie like I am. He doesn’t blog, journal, or participate in forums really.
April 22nd, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Good question Carol C. Long ago, in the Baby Scoop Era, men had sex and then abandoned their pregnant girlfriends.
Sometimes, they were pressured to marry them. That happened too.
If the mothers were forced to surrender, the fathers were usually not involved in the adoption process. Fathers don’t seem too interested in changing the laws around infant surrender, or in adopted people’s issues, either.
Some mothers have formed groups and have tried for years to get fathers involved.
Fathers could form their own groups.But when they do, they work for other issues.
There are some fathers who are fighting to claim their children, when mothers have surrendered them against the wishes of the father. When this happens, it makes the news, because it doesn’t happen very often.
They are involved in paternity fraud issues, though. If they get named “the father” of a child they did not create, they will fight that in large numbers.
There are millions of children who were lost to adoption, but that doesn’t seem to bother them as much.
Fathers are not incapable of speaking out. They know how to do it, and will show up in the legislature to testify when they are being forced to pay child support unfairly.
They will show up in droves when their property is being seized or their taxes are being raised.
I used to think they just needed some encouragement. Now I think they just don’t care as much as mothers do.
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:13 pm
The other answers are right about the reasons why there aren’t any men here, but there are a few First Fathers who post here. “Birthdad in Hell” and “Irish” are the two more regular posters who jump to mind. My husband is a First Father and he has an account here too, he posts under “Ace”. He doesn’t post much – I’m usually on here so he can’t! He and I discuss lots of these questions and answers and he gives me his POV. Adoption is a very painful subject for him.
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:48 pm
I am a mother who . by force from my elder sister, had to have my daughter adopted at eight days old, which created a lot of grief. I have regretted it ever since (1972)
Last April my younger grandaughter found me via genesreunited…and we met and stayed with my daughter and her family in may.
They belong to a certain religious sect and because I cannot feel comfortable being part of that same religion…she has stopped all correspondence. Adoption is a very sad, cutting experience, for either or both natural parents.
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:45 pm
My bdad is too much of a coward.
April 23rd, 2010 at 12:10 am
This is a good question. I suspect they are less vocal about adoption loss due to social stereotypes about fathers in general, whether it is the emotionally distant workaholic, the deadbeat dad, or the philanderer who fathers children with numerous women. We hear a lot about them because it’s easy to bash them, just like it’s easy to bash natural mothers.
Sadly I’m sure there are more than a few who fit kitta’s description, too.
But I’m inclined to believe that the loss of your flesh and blood leaves a permanent scar on your soul. Mother’s may feel it more profoundly due to the in-utero bonding process and maternal hormones, but I think fathers can be affected, as well.
Although they aren’t as outspoken about the loss, I have noticed a trend of father’s having an easier time with reunion. This is just my observation from reading blogs and forums, but it does seem that at least the initial reunion is a little easier for the father to process. Could this be due to fathers lacking the primal mother-child bond…does that become a potentially devastating emotional Mt. Everest for many mothers? Speculating here, just my own observations.
On a similar note, there are often comments about male adoptees searching and reuniting less frequently than female adoptees. I also question this stereotype because among the mothers I know who are reunited, the adoptees are evenly split between male and female. If women searched and reunited in greater numbers I would expect to know mostly mothers and daughters…that is not the case.
April 23rd, 2010 at 1:01 am
I think it’s a combination of factors.
Some fathers are never informed there was a child conceived in the first place. It’s entirely possible for a man to father a child without realizing he got his partner pregnant, but pretty hard for a woman to be pregnant and give birth without being aware of it. There are fathers out there who don’t know they had children who were given for adoption, whereas it’s hard to imagine many circumstances where a woman would have no idea in the same way that she birthed a child.
The father doesn’t share the experience of carrying the child in his body. While some fathers make an effort to connect to their baby pre-birth (talking or singing to the mom’s belly, using his hands to feel the baby kick, going along to ultrasound appointments, etc.,) he can avoid that experience, whereas a pregnant woman really can’t ignore the fact she’s carrying a baby. The mother also has hormonal changes that the father doesn’t. Because of that, she may feel a greater bond to her baby pre-birth, even if the bond would have been equal and he would have been a good father if they had parented.
Also, men just seem less likely to talk about their lives on the internet. While on sites discussing their interests it seems about equal, women vastly outnumber men on sites related to family relationships or feelings. Even sites devoted to parenting by those who haven’t lost a child are mainly populated by women. I don’t think that means that men care less… just that expressing emotions is more accepted by society for women than for men.