You and the birth mother choose how much contact you want to have. It isn’t like she’s going to live with you. Plus, whether or not it confuses your child is really up to how you deal with it. Pardon me, but I really think that is a lame excuse for adoptive parents to get out of acknowledging their child has another mom.

If you care at all about your child, or the woman that made one of the most difficult sacrifices there are on this earth for YOUR family, then you should acknowledge their connection. If you feel threatened or inadequate by the fact that they have one, then I don’t believe you are fit to parent an adopted child at this time.

I don’t care what people say about the “oh, the whole genetic structure of the child and family history” would be helpful. So what? If I have two aunts that die of breast cancer and I’m more susceptible to it… as the child, what does that really mean, when you think about it? Will the adopting parents gain anything from knowing that? Will the child really gain any sort of life altering prospective knowing that? I’m not so sure they do…

I 100% support open adoption. We are all human, which means we have a lot of complex and competing emotions, but ultimately as adults we have to put our children first.

It is ALWAYS in a child’s interest to have ALL of their information even if it isn’t pretty. It belongs to them. Also, barring any safety issues, I also believe it is imperative that adopted children have access to their first family. It only becomes confusing for the child if the parents make it that way.

Children understand more than adults give them credit for. They understand their world. If they grown up knowing they are adopted and they live with mommy and daddy, but they also have another set of parents that created them and can see them and talk to them and have their questions answered… well, I’m sorry, please someone point out the negative here.

Both sets of parents need to get over themselves, come together and create a welcoming, understanding and loving environment for a child.

In open adoption there are many factors to consider how often visits will happen; some people in open adoption might have a visit 2 or 3 times a year. While others might go every few months, some perhaps even every few weeks. No one should go into an open adoption that they are not comfortable with. If you have an open adoption one can always add visits or just rework it.

Also rules and boundaries need to be set. The natural parents shouldn’t just decide to pop in when ever they feel like it or call up on the phone all the time. They should never try and undermined your parenting, if they don’t like your parenting styles/ discipline that is their problem.

An adoptee needs to know ALL his/her families – for better emotional and psychological health.

If you can’t allow this – YOU ARE SELFISH – you are making it about your own insecurities – and NOT about the child.

How on earth can you ‘honour’ the bio parents – when you won’t allow contact??

Not allowing contact – is telling the child – that something is wrong with them – therefore – something must be wrong with the adoptee – as that child will be made up of 100% genetics from those two other parents.

Adoption isn’t about a child getting a replacement family – it’s about getting a bigger family.

This child will not be dropping from space – from no where.

An adoptee needs to know their own truth – and they need to be able to hear it from the people that gave them away.
(not through your interpretation of the events)

If you wanted to have a child solely of your own – you should have had your own bio child.
If you can’t – I’m sorry – but this child will NOT be that – and you need to realise that.

No adoptee needs the added stress of trying fulfill an AP’s dream. Those boots are too big to fill.

An adoptee needs to see and hear those that have the same genetic make-up as themselves – or looking in a mirror – will always be strange for them.
(I know – I’ve lived in a closed adoption for 38 years – and it’s really really hard to get a proper self-image and self-concept – when you’re not allowed to know where you came from)

If you don’t allow for an open adoption – the adoptee will learn quickly not to ask questions – as obviously you would look all ‘wounded’ that the child wants to know about where they came from etc – and would shut up quick.
(but that child will have deep emotional scares on the inside from your selfish actions – that you won’t be able to see)

A child doesn’t ask to be given away to a family of complete strangers.
Those decisions were made by adults.

Do NOT make that child suffer even more – just because it’s all too hard for YOU.

Adoption is supposed to be about the child.
Stop making it all about YOU.

We have spontaneous communications and arrange visits around everyone’s schedules just as we do with other friends and family (we live in different states). No special schedules or especially limiting rules.

I see nothing to be confusing…kids are expected to adapt to step family, half-siblings, multiple grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings, and every imaginable type of family – why would open adoption be more confusing then any other non-nuclear arrangement?

As far as visitation goes (and I think there ought to be legally enforceable visitation), I believe that all parties need to work towards the good of the child, not themselves. For instance, just as in a “normal” custody and visitation agreement in divorce, if the bio parents have been abusive, neglectful, etc, I don’t think they ought to have rights. On the other hand, if a young woman places a child because financially she can’t raise the child, and loves the child and wants a life that she knows she’ll not be able to provide with a child, she should be able to continually visit the child, and have open communication and contact.

I am an adoptive parent, and I truly wish my son’s biological mother would see him more. She saw him 11 days after he was born (in addition to time in the hospital), and has seen him once since then at a funeral. She saw us in a Walmart store once, and turned and went the other direction quickly to avoid us. The bio dad does call pretty often, and his mother visits, and his daughter (15) is planning a visit with the grandmother, and I am thrilled that my son can meet his extended family! It breaks my heart that his bio mom has so many problems, including not wanting to ever get a job (in 6 years, 2 kids), uses meth (not very often, but once is too often-my son was born addicted), and she’s pregnant again (my son is only 9 months old).

A lot of adoption is invasive. I didn’t like social workers inspecting my car, asking for my driver’s license, looking in my kitchen cabinets, and under my bathroom sink, and asking me about every issue of my life, past, present, and future plans. The result is soooooo worth it, and I adore my son. I’d love to adopt again, and have started the process for both private adoption (if I can be introduced to a child that needs a home again), and I’ve had another home study done by the state, to go through the foster parenting courses. I believe that when a woman is pregnant, and wishes to place her child, that she move in with the family, and get to know them, and let the baby hear their new family’s voices. Our son’s first mom did this with us, and it was so wonderful. That way, I know that he can frown just like her, and his chin is just like his dad’s. From getting to know them, I know that there are so many inherited traits that he gets and where he gets them from. I also believe that the more people who love a child, the better, and that honesty from day 1 is so much better than a child being shocked from a cousin in a fight and finding out they were adopted that way!