Joke: Pregnant Lizard.?

By pregnantnews

Question by Im N Alcoholic Not A Barbie Doll: Joke: Pregnant Lizard.?
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two
> lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> “He’s just lyi ng there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
> lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> “Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
>
> “Oh, my go sh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
>
> “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie , Mom!”
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my
> wife.
>
> “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said
> this sarcastically!).
>
> “No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
> while gritting my teeth).
>
> “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
>
> “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the
> sarcasm!).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
> best of it.
>
> “Kids, this is going to be a wond rous experience,” I announced “We’re about to witness the miracle of
> birth.”
>
> “Oh, gross!” they shrieked
>
> “Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my
> wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
> vanishing a scant second later.
>
> “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
>
> “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> “Do something, Dad !” my son urged.
>
> “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle
> tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
>
> “Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>
> “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here wi th the females in my house?)
>
> “Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his
> lap.
>
> “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
>
> “I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I
> mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
> glass.
>
> “What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
>
> “Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
>
> “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, th at isn’t EVER going to
> happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
> back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> “So, Ernie’s just . Just . .. . Excited,” my wife offered.
>
> “Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. < BR>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the
> upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just .that . . I’m picturing you pulling on its . Its. . .
> Teeny little . . ” She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> “That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the
> car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> “I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.
>
> “Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> Two lizards: 0.
>
> One cage: .
>
> Trip to the vet: .
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:
>
> Priceless!
>
> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>
> Lizards lay eggs !!!
Thanx 4 all the starz guys. & yea…This joke is def SUPER long. I even got semi-bored reading it. HaHaHaHa