Please read and comment my poem?
ByQuestion by ♥ṡïlεṉτ вlυε lιĸeѕ тoaѕтerѕ? ♥: Please read and comment my poem?
I’m tangled along the line,
his hands grasp me, almost breaking me.
I’m caught in an unsolvable time,
his breath hits me, almost waking me.
My eyes open to another land,
all was somber and silent.
Yet scurrying foot steps filled the space,
deep shadows playing violent.
Clear as the sun glare on my glasses,
darkness made it hard to see.
My jumping gasp filled the air,
feeling two familiar hands on me.
The man who went in clean,
treading through high water.
Now filled with mud so high,
blaming everything on his daughter.
My head filled with the coloured red,
a new bruise forming on my face.
On the outside I could not speak,
only a mere huff left it’s trace.
My eyes did beam into his,
hoping he would forgive.
But I’m a child, another mistake,
and a time you can’t relive.
I’m brainwashed into walking guilty,
do u find me holding worth?
He screamed the words that I always here
“Keep your darn mouth shut, your just a piece of unwanted birth”
I really struggled at the end, I couldn’t make it flow right. Maybe u can help?
Well I’m not a pro poet, so this must by why, no isn’t it?
Best answer:
Answer by totz
It’s a good touch on the abusive father/child aspect. You should just change the last line so its shorter and flows smoother
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8 Comments
June 3rd, 2011 at 3:57 am
I agree with the last line comment. Something that rolls of the tongue a bit better would improve this poem. I really like the alliterations that you used throughout this piece. It is very subtle but your word choice really makes the poem flow.
Opinion on mine?
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June 3rd, 2011 at 4:53 am
Overall, I think, the poem is full of promise.
I think your poem has something worth reading but the imagery falters… That is, you explicate somewhat too much and tend to leave too little to my imagination.
Several minor points however detract from the resolution. First, in the last two stanzas you inexplicable shift the point-of-view to ‘you’ and then back third-person. The use of ‘you’ implicates me the reader and that was not set-up in the promise of the poem. Second, you let the spelling and punctuation slip and that detract from the persona of a professional poet…Third, and perhaps this is your intention, and certainly only my opinion, the sentence rhythms and stanza cadences seem to fly-off at all angles thereby creating a loose-fitting shape… Last, you describe the horror and capture something of the emotional trauma, but you not not make a particular point. That is, while i understood your dilemma, I was left thinking what value does your experience offer me?
I tend to agree that the last line is verbose, but only in the sense that you remove redundant words. Often reducing wordage increases power. What do you think has more power ‘Keep your darn mouth shut’ or ‘Shut up!’
Nevertheless, I think this draft of the poem is pregnant with power. I recommend you put the poem aside for a week and revisit the words after you obtain some ‘distance’.
June 3rd, 2011 at 5:34 am
You’ve changed your name! Why exactly? Its very dark like i’ve seen lot’s of your poems to be nd it’s pretty good. I think the last verse is good but it’s spelt “hear” not “here”
Your poem is great, I don’t think you should change it.
June 3rd, 2011 at 5:56 am
… I think it’s better than my poems, D;
June 3rd, 2011 at 5:59 am
The end is displaced, somehow, but that could just be the part of me hoping for escape or justice. Unfortunately, escape is more feasable. It is also harder being that it is self-enacted and many things can stop it, including age and ‘The System.’ Believe in your own strength and freewill. It is your best hope to break the cycle.
Oh and ‘Gathering Blue’ suits you well. Glad you changed it from STSS. Good step. You might have even inspired a new poem out of me.
June 3rd, 2011 at 6:30 am
Perhaps the last line could be “Shut up, you piece of unwanted birth”. Shorter fits better with what you have here. Geez, that was hard to type, as I am sure the poem was hard to write.
The victim isn’t the one who should walk in guilt.x.
I like the new name.
June 3rd, 2011 at 6:32 am
Mornin. I so wanted to enjoy where I thought this was going, but obviously get it, and I so wanna hug you.
I didn’t have that way with my parents, but for a few years older cousins and their friends used and abused me.
I can’t say I “like” it, but I sure did feel the effects in the message in it. Thanks. I hope in some way it was cathartic to express.
June 3rd, 2011 at 7:23 am
The last line needs to be rearranged perhaps unwanted could be exchanged for a 2 syllable word that means the same or similar? I do not like rewriting for anyone, I think you can do it yourself… this piece has a lot of feeling in it, created with the stuff we want to slide under carpets and bury in sod
… from the depths of hell
come some of the most succinct and compelling words to create feeling in the reader.