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Rate this joke!!!!!!!! its long but worth it?

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (16)

Question by ♥ gina ♥: Rate this joke!!!!!!!! its long but worth it?
Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um….um….masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”

He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr.Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just…just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,”

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs

Best answer:

Answer by #1denverfan
Nice. 5/10

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (16)

Ernie the hamster?

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (4)

Question by Ms. B: Ernie the hamster?
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
“something wrong” with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in
his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious,
Dad. Can you help?” I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do -”Honey,” I called,
“come look at the hamster!” “Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute, “She’s having
babies.” “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my
Most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together). “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,” she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced.
“We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.” “Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little hamster babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t
appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified. “Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged. “I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you
think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside. “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy.”
“What!?”
“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um…. er…. masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
“Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.” We were silent,
absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just… just… eExcited?”, my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly hysterically even.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just…that…I’m
picturing you pulling on its…its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more. “That’s enough,” I warned.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told
me. “Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 – Hamsters – 10 bucks…
1 – Cage – 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet …30 bucks…
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster’s wacker……..Priceless!
>

Best answer:

Answer by c_o_ldbr_ai_n
Heard this before only it was a lizard, which adds a little bit more because lizards lay eggs.

Give your answer to this question below!

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (4)

Does anyone out there just want a good?

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (0)

Question by Tammy M: Does anyone out there just want a good?
I wanted to share this, because it is about the funniest thing I have ever read, just wanted to share.
LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the storybelow will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what
happened…

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
“something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can
you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

& nbsp; “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Ber t and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to
reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

“We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“O h, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THA T just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,” my
wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know “Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

&nb sp; We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in h is lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um . …um….
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”

He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr.
Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just…just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s
just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny
little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled th e
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad eve rything was going to
be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,”

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 – Lizards – 0…

1 – Cage – …

Trip to the Vet – …

Best answer:

Give your answer to this question below!

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (0)

Are u ready for a laugh?

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (13)

Question by ♥ gina ♥: Are u ready for a laugh?
Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr.Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just…just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,”

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs!

Best answer:

Answer by hello world!
is this for real?

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (13)

What do you think of this story?

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (3)

Question by hlpz76: What do you think of this story?
This is hysterical! For all you would-be animal experts, which I’m not!

LIZARD BIRTHING:

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take
my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
“something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, dad,
can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! Gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to
reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she
Informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to
be a wondrous experience, I announced.

“We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,”
my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe,
Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um….um. …masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you
know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just…just… Excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m
picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,”

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 – Lizards – 0…
1 – Cage – …
Trip to the Vet – …

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie… Priceless!

Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs!

Best answer:

Answer by stevens_monroe
kinda long

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (3)

The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (0)

The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

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The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

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Posted: Jun 24, 2010 |Comments: 0

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The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

By: Jumping Spider Media

About the Author

Editor’s Note: DiscoverMe (http://www.discovermetoys.co.uk/) is represented by the digital marketing specialists and SEO provider Jumping Spider Media. Please direct all press queries to Louise Byrne. Email: louise@jumpingspidermedia.co.uk or call: +44 (0)20 3070 1959 / +34 952 783 637.

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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – The Benefits of Playmats in your Baby’s Development

Most people purchase a playmat for their baby before any other toy, but many may not realize the important roles that these playmats play in their baby’s development. These humble objects have some vital benefits, including enhancing motor skills, developing head and neck control, providing a safe, soft and clean play area for your baby, developing intelligence and a sense of play and discovery. That’s why educational toys website DiscoverMe (http://www.discovermetoys.co.uk/) has a comprehensive range of playmats as part of its online collection.

Babies are developing from the very day they are born. Every moment is a chance for them to learn more skills, even before they can crawl. That’s why it’s important to get in there early and enhance every experience they have, including floor and tummy time! Playmats and baby gyms help parents do just that, ticking many educational and developmental boxes all at once. They provide a safe place for your baby to play, learn and discover: the best playmats are soft, comfortable, protective, durable and non-slip. For instance, a Galt Playnest will snuggle around your baby; a Galt Tummytime Playmat will keep your baby safe, comfortable and amused while lying on its front; and an Activity Gym, like those from Infantino and Tiny Love, will surround your baby with exciting things to touch and listen to while lying on its back. The Lamaze Spin & Explore Garden Gym takes the playmat concept one step further, allowing your baby to safely spin around on its tummy while exploring the sensory delights around them.

The choice of playmats available at DiscoverMe is vast. There are playmats in the shape of a butterfly, an elephant and even a surfboard! There are flat mats, super large playmats and three dimensional baby gyms that combine playmats with activity toys. All of the playmats and baby gyms feature bright and vibrant colours, bear eye-catching prints and designs, and boast a whole host of little surprises to keep baby stimulated at all times. Some use music and lights, some feature varying textures, while some have mirrors and dangling toys. All are carefully designed to encourage the baby’s development in a range of areas including eye-hand co-ordination, motor skills, strength and flexibility, curiosity and a sense of discovery. Playmats are the first important step in a baby’s journey of play, learning and development.

DiscoverMe has one of the best ranges of playmats available online, as well as a host of other educational and developmental pre-school toys. View the entire range at http://www.discovermetoys.co.uk/. Looking for clothing, blankets or comforters for the little man in your life? DiscoverMe can recommend www.blueforaboy.co.uk which has one of the best selections for boys aged 0-3 years.

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Olympic Show Jumping – Eric Lamaze

Posted by: pregnantnews | Comments (22)

Clips of Eric Lamazes Winning rounds in the individual compitition done to Faith Of The Heart
Video Rating: 5 / 5

Categories : Lamaze

Comments (22)

Lamaze Urges Expectant Parents to Learn Reasons for Induction.(Lamaze International suggests parents refuse induced labor unless there is a true, medical … An article from: Special Delivery

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Lamaze Urges Expectant Parents to Learn Reasons for Induction.(Lamaze International suggests parents refuse induced labor unless there is a true, medical … An article from: Special Delivery

This digital document is an article from Special Delivery, published by Association of Labor Assistants & Childbirth Educators on September 22, 2001. The length of the article is 556 words. The page length shown above is based on a typical 300-word page. The article is delivered in HTML format and is available in your Amazon.com Digital Locker immediately after purchase. You can view it with any web browser.

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Title: Lamaze Urges Expectant Parents to Learn Reasons for In

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Want to hear a Joke?

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Question by eeyoree: Want to hear a Joke?
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m
serious dad, can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys,you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.”We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t
you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know.”Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen…
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um….um….masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
“Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just…just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its…its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,”

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 – Lizards – 0…

1 – Cage – …

Trip to the Vet – …

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s
winkie…..Priceless

Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs!

Best answer:

Add your own answer in the comments!

Categories : Lamaze

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The Official Lamaze Guide

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The Official Lamaze Guide

Lamaze’s vision for the future is that formal childbirth education, in person and online, should start early in pregnancy. In the second edition of The Official Lamaze Guide, the authors share Lamaze’s belief that preparing for birth and becoming a mother takes all of pregnancy, not just six weeks of formal classes at the end of the third trimester. This new edition has been updated to reflect the latest evidence-based research on pregnancy and childbirth. Since the first edition, childbirth

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Categories : Lamaze

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Lamaze Urges Expectant Parents to Learn Reasons for Induction.(Lamaze International suggests parents refuse induced labor unless there is a true, medical … An article from: Special Delivery

Lamaze Urges Expectant Parents to Learn Reasons for Induction.(Lamaze International suggests parents refuse induced labor unless there is a true, medical … An article from: Special Delivery

Want to hear a Joke?

The Official Lamaze Guide

The Official Lamaze Guide