Friend upset I cannot be a “free daycare” anymore..long sorry.?
ByQuestion by LV: Friend upset I cannot be a “free daycare” anymore..long sorry.?
One of my friends lost her job and was out of work for a month. When it was time for her to go back to work, she did not have the money for daycare. I am a stay at home mom with three little ones of my own, all under the age of 4. She asked if I could care for them until she was able to pay for childcare. I told her I could do it for a couple of months until she got back on her feet. It was late June when I started caring for them. They are now 28 months and 15 months. I do not charge her anything for caring for them and she has never offered either. It has been almost seven months that I have been caring for them. I do not mind, but the issue is that she works 5 am-1:30 pm. She drops them off here around 4:15 in the morning. My other half works 2 pm-11 pm M-F. He has not gotten enough sleep since they started coming here. They are not the kids that will sit and just watch a movie that early in the morning. They are bouncing off the walls. My kids are not getting their sleep either being woken up at 4 in the morning and it is really taking a toll on me, my little ones and most of all my fiancee. He gets up angry and wants to leave the house right away. He says that he should not have to suffer anymore because she does not want to pay daycare. A month or so was not a problem and he too thought we should help her out, but he says she is taking advantage of us and needs to find childcare at this point. I agreed. I told her last week that “Stan” (my fiancee) and myself would appreciate if she could find someone in the next few weeks, that I could watch them until she did, but that it is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and my kids are just not getting their sleep they need (mine are 9 months, 24 months and 3 1/2). She pretty much did not say anthing other than she would find someone and has given me the complete cold shoulder since. Not even saying hello or goodbye when she comes, won’t talk to me and even told one of my friends I was just selfish. She told her that my husband makes a ton of money so I would never understand. I am just annoyed. We have cared for them for seven months. I cannot leave the house durring the day, our sleep is completely interupted and my house is in shambles until they go home and I can clean up. I feel that she is being completely out of line. Should I say something to her about her comments or just let it go. Again, this is a friend of mine that I used to be really close with when I was younger, but we are just friends now. Not family or anything like that. What do you think?
Best answer:
Answer by juliecandoo
She is taking advantage of you and when you tell her you cannot do it anymore you will lose the friendship and she will take advantage of someone else. This is her way not yours, don’t feel gulity, her kids will be fine, something tells me she has alsways made her problems other peoples problems and this is how she will always be Sorry Sweetie, don’t feel bad, You family needs you more than hers
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12 Comments
November 30th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
Shes taking advantage of you and trying to make you feel quilty about not letting her. I would say tell her she has 2 weeks to get them in daycare because you will no longer keep them. What your husband makes is not her business she needs to be responsible for her own children and not dump them on you
November 30th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
With such a friend acting as if you owe this to her, why worry what she will do or say when you tell her you can no longer watch her children.
She doesn’t sound like much of a loss if she thinks you owe it to her to do this task for free. The fact that you’ve done it for 7 months is a testament to your true friendship. What does she have to show for hers?
December 1st, 2010 at 12:03 am
How dare she! I can not believe you have been doing this for so long and she has not even offered to give you anything. I would tell her 2wks and that is it. She has had more then enough time to get things back in order I believe she is taking advantage of you.
I would say something to her and see how that goes. Explain to her you were doing her a favor and its been 7mths you stated you could help her a “couple of months” I would think that would be 2 or 3.
December 1st, 2010 at 12:12 am
She is taking advantage of you and your friendship-therefore is not a friend. If others know her as you do-then they will also know you are not selfish. Give her a date to not sit anymore and give her some names of preschools etc. She needs to grow up and stop whinning and trying to get her way by doing so. You have been more than nice. Your family and life come first and formost
December 1st, 2010 at 12:37 am
Call her up and ask her to talk about it.
She should not be taking advantage of you like that. You did your part, and your part was something you didn’t even have to do. She didn’t hold up her end of the deal.
You’re not being selfish, you’re caring for your own kids and your husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.
December 1st, 2010 at 12:59 am
Your family needs to be your top priority, not hers. Offering to watch them for a couple months was very generous of you, her taking advantage and using you for 7 months without discussing you watching her children longer-term (and without offering to pay) is selfish. She is working, she is making money, she needs to pay daycare. Its part of being a working mom.
You did a wonderful thing by watching them for free for the time you did (and were more patient than many would be). I would be kind to her, but wouldn’t expect a friendship beyond this- and personally, I wouldn’t want a friendship with someone like her, she’s using you. I would give her like 3 weeks notice, and after that 3 weeks is up be done watching them. That is plenty of time for her to find new arrangements for them.
Your family and needs need to come first, not hers. If you want to do daycare I would set up ground rules (like open the daycare at a reasonable time, no drop offs at 4am), and set a fee, from here on out. If not, enjoy your days with your kids, get out and about, get plenty of sleep.
It doesn’t matter that your husband makes tons of money, that doesn’t mean its YOUR fault she’s in a bad situation. Plus, all the money in the world can’t buy a good nights sleep when there are rambunctious toddlers bouncing off the walls at 4am. She is the one being selfish here.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:04 am
Like your fiancee said she is taking advantage of you. You probably didnt want it to come to this but you need to stop her when she comes to get the kids and tell her that she has __________ amount of time and then after that you will just not watch the kids anymore. If she can’t even help clean after they leave or anything then she needs to find someone else.
December 1st, 2010 at 2:03 am
What more does she want from you? You have given her 7 months of your time,and now that you just cannot do it anymore you are the selfish one. That is very immature of her. I would definitely bring up the comments she has made behind your back. You were trying to give her a leg up and she has the nerve to call YOU selfish! It is none of her business what your husband makes and its not something you should be made to feel guilty about either. Unfortunately you were a good friend to her and she took you for the free ride!
December 1st, 2010 at 2:27 am
she sounds like the selfish one! if i were you i would just cut my losses and tell her to p*ss off you dont need friends like that totally taking advantage! she sounds jealous that you can stay home which is none of her business!
your not selfish at all and im sure if you did the same to her she would get a bit bored of it! your a saint for puttin up with it for so long! 7 months! and you have a 9 month old baby!! your little one was 2 months old when you took on her kids! she should be so thankful you did it for so long let alone at all!!
December 1st, 2010 at 2:32 am
What is selfish is the fact that she has had two kids and cant afford to provide for their basic needs. The minute she started to give me the cold shoulder is the minute I would no longer open my door for her at 4:15 in the morning. She should be greatful that you have done this. I understand you want to help her but you cant kill yourself doing it. I would tell her immediately that she is to no longer bring the kids over. If its easier do it over the phone. What would be the difference, she doesnt talk to you now? Look at the time, money and effort you have put into them for the past seven months when you couldve given that to your family! Dont feel bad either, there are governement agencies that will help her. Social services for instance will help pay half if not all of her child care if she really cant afford it. Its just that she doesnt want to make the effort. Its convienent to use you as long as you let her. Put your foot down!
December 1st, 2010 at 2:47 am
Tell her that you’re going on vacation. Give her about a month’s warning for when you and hubby will be going away and then go away. She will be forced to find alternate arrangements while you’re gone and easier to refuse her when you get back.
I know it’s not the most practical idea, but it depends how desperate you are. She is totally taking advantage of you and she should start paying you.
December 1st, 2010 at 3:15 am
I think you need to have a word with her. Let her know that in case she forgot, you have 3 kids of your own; young ones. Adding 2 more young ones does not make your life any easier; especially when you aren’t even making money or getting anything for it. It’s been time for her to find a daycare; especially since she has the audacity to think you should just do it because you are her friend. Tell her you don’t appreciate her little side comment about you being selfish; ask her to explain how it makes you selfish that you don’t want to keep her children all day long for free from now until they are old enough to stay home by themselves. Tell her the fact that your husband makes more money is irrelevant. Even the nicest daycares around charge a fee, no matter how much money they are raking in.
Personally, i’d give her a specific date to find someone else by. If she doesn’t have someone lined up by then, oh well. She may need to learn the hard way. She may not ever get over this and if she doesn’t, let her go. Don’t apologize for not being willing to be taken advantage of. Reading this makes me want to tell her off myself. I can’t stand people who do this.