Letting 1 year old cry?
ByDue to rehabbing of the house, I am on the couch and the baby is in the portable sleeper in the same room for the last month or so. She used to get up about 1-2 times a night for a bottle. Now she is getting up 4-5 times and wants to sleep with me. It is completely my fault because after the 3rd time I am so tired I just grab her and let her sleep with me. I sleep with her for about an hour and put her back and she is up an hour later wanting to sleep with me again. Now the room is done and I am determined to make her sleep the night through (maybe one bottle if she needs it) and completely ignore her crying. If you believe in cosleeping, that’s great. I respect your decision. But I don’t agree with it for my kids and ask that you also respect that. But my question is how long do I let the wailing go on? I know if I check on her and leave the room that just makes it worse. Clearly, I do not want to traumatize my child. How much is too much?
mcmom, I wonder if that study was for infants. I agree that when they are little, they do not have the capacity to manipulate and every cry should be answered. But now she is a 1 year old. I think I have established that trust. When does it end? Should I buy my 8 year old the candy bar because she is having a tantrum in the store? When does it end?
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11 Comments
April 29th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
dont let her sleep with you you will start the cycle of letting her sleep with you and having problems with her getting to sleep, i would try to put her in a different room if you can, or when you put her to sleep cover the sides of the portable sleeper. that way she does not see you and she will just fall back to sleep. i would just let her cry. she will fall alseep. but being in the same room with you is the problem. dont go in there at all just let her cry it out she is old enough. you have to get a routine going it willtake about a week to establish.
April 29th, 2010 at 11:32 pm
I spoke with my daughter’s pediatrician about this same thing, and at first we tried a method that required I go in every 15 minutes to calm her (if she was REALLY freaking out, not just whimpering), but it just seemed to rile her up even more. So then, we just let her cry it out, and after about an hour (a VERY torturous hour for me), she gave up and went to sleep. Over a period of about a week, to 10 days, the crying fits got shorter and shorter, until she didn’t cry at all any more when we put her down. THANK GOD!
April 29th, 2010 at 11:48 pm
To be honest as long as they are crying they are fine. Just make sure to pay attention that they are not hyper ventilating and you will succeed. My daughter did the same thing,because we used to let her sleep with us. That was a huge mistake, it was a nightmare getting her into her own bed.
We had many nights were she would cry her self to sleep, but she did just fine.
stick to your guns, as long as you can handle the crying, the baby will do fine.
April 30th, 2010 at 12:39 am
Our doctor recommends going in every 10-15 minutes to comfort them, and then leaving again. I agree, my daughter always gets more upset if I go in and then leave again. It’s a very hard thing to do, I hate letting her cry, but I always go in to check on her-even if it does make things worse. Eventually she tires herself out and realizes I’m not coming in to get her out to play.
April 30th, 2010 at 1:03 am
A healthy one-year old does not NEED to be having a bottle in the middle of the night. Just give her water and she will soon stop wanting it.
I know it is hard to hear your child cry, but it will be 10 times harder to break her of bad habits. Let her know you are there so she is not afraid, but be firm with her. YOU are the parent. If she gets her way with this, then it will be all down hill from here. Don’t let her have her way. She needs her sleep as much as you do.
April 30th, 2010 at 1:30 am
“Clearly, I do not want to traumatize my child.”
Clearly? Not so much…
It always confuses me how someone can not “believe” in snuggling up to their baby at night, yet are happy to believe in letting their baby scream out for them and ignore their cries.
In any case.
“there is no doubt that repeated lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries—even for only five minutes at a time—is potentially damaging to the baby’s mental health. Babies who are left to cry it out alone may fail to develop a basic sense of trust or an understanding of themselves as a causal agent, possibly leading to feelings of powerlessness, low self-esteem, and chronic anxiety later in life. The cry-it-out approach undermines the very basis of secure attachment, which requires prompt responsiveness and sensitive attunement during the first year after birth.”
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/bonding/connection.html
April 30th, 2010 at 2:03 am
I’m not sure if there is an answer to how much is too much.
Personally, when I did cry-it-out I went to the twin who was crying every 5 minutes until she stopped. She generally only cried for like 15 minutes.
Honestly, though, if she cries longer than 10 minutes then I just warm up a bottle of milk and put it in her crib.
That works every time.
DAWNEE: I disagree with you. Sometimes one of my babies eats TERRIBLE in the daytime and does need a bottle of milk at night. I’m not going to make her go hungry just because. Especially because if she gets a bottle she will go back to sleep.
EDIT: I am a believer in co-sleeping and snuggling, but my twins won’t lay down in my bed. If I bring them to my bed they stand up, walk around, try to jump off… they will NOT be soothed in my bed. I’d do it, but they won’t.
April 30th, 2010 at 2:19 am
A one year old needs a full night of sleep and doesn’t need a bottle until morning. She has a full day of learning ahead of her and deserves to face it rested. You need the rest too, as you already know I’m sure. Tell her (she will understand some) that you’re going to try something new. That we’re going to sleep all night in our own beds. Have a nice bedtime routine with a bath, a book, a song. Don’t stretch it too long or convey to her that you’re dreading leaving her. Be cheerful. Tell her to rest up for all the fun we’ll have tomorrow. Then you have to let her cry. She’s going to really give it a go because she’s been able to get you to jump for her for a while. But in 2 or 3 days she’ll be fine. It will be a long 2-3 days but they will be followed by years of long nights full of sleep that you both need. Waking in the night is natural. Waking in the night and screaming for someone to come and entertain you is a learned behavior that you’ve taught her. The good news is that she’s a baby and can unlearn it. You’ll be so glad you did it! A lot of people on her are going to say this approach is cruel and horrible, so you have to follow your own instincts. Happy sleeping!
April 30th, 2010 at 2:22 am
ignore mcmom. i am in a rush, so i can’t get into it, but, trust me, at a year, there are many safe, caring approaches you can use that may involve a little crying but will prevent more crying down the road. please, please, get “solving your child’s sleep problems” by richard ferber and read a few chapters. ultimately, you will let her cry for 5 minutes, check, then let her cry for 10, then check, then 15, then check, and then you will check every 15 minutes. the next night you start at 10, until 20 is your maximum wait time. you go up 5 minutes each night until you hit 25-30-35, where you stop. now, at a year, it can take a week. for ruby, at 9 1/2 months, it took 2 days before all she did was fuss a few seconds. and after 2 weeks she was an elated, olympic sleeper. get the book, though — it’s important to fo it right and consider all the variables specific to your own baby. good luck!!
and yes, the studies about damage apply to children younger than 6 months. well, in most cases younger than 4 months, but 6 months is a safer line.
edit: geeee. it’s so funny that other answers with the same opinion as mine have no thumbs down. hmm. i wonder why? so strange. it isn’t possible, is it, that some thumbs are personal? no! i can’t imagine people are so pathetic on here. no way. *laugh*
April 30th, 2010 at 3:18 am
For one a 1 year old should not be on the bottle its time to move on to cups. She shouldn’t be sleeping with u because once u let it start its going to be very hard to stop. Try and go in and lay her down if she’s up and rub her back or whatever soothes her and see if she drifts back to sleep then ease your way out the room..This is just my opinion I’ve never had this problem b4
April 30th, 2010 at 3:44 am
My baby has been sleeping with me for the last two months or so due to teething and it has become an impossible situation. I do not recommend it. I started doing this because of teething and exhaustion. Next week after our company leaves I will be moving her back into her crib and I am fully prepared to let her cry it out.
I do not believe it is damaging to an 8 month old(her age) and feel that it is causing more harm in the long run to let her to continue sleeping with us. She has not slept well since we started bed sharing. She now wakes more frequently to eat (every two hours-three if I’m lucky) and it has gotten to the point where she won’t even fall asleep at night unless I am in the bed with her. My husband now sleeps on the couch do to her frequent wakings, and I won’t even mention how incredibly exhausted I am.
One of the side-effects of bed sharing is the fact that babies wake up more, something I discovered too late, after doing re-search on the internet.
I do not feel it is in her best interest to be a baby who continually wakes during the night, and feel at her age she should at least be able to go 6 hours between feeds. I have not been able to find one solution to this other than letting her back into her own crib, and to cry it out.
I have spoken to many of my friends and all of them who have let their babies sleep alone, cry it out, all have content, happy babies who sleep through the night. The opposite for those who bed share.
I do not neglect my daughter, I am an attentive and caring mother who sees to all her daily needs. And I find it ridiculous to see how letting a bay this age cry it out is going to harm them psychologically. If they were suffering from neglect daily, then maybe.
Babies need to learn to sleep alone, and to sleep well.
Personally I think this whole ‘attachment parenting’ thing is getting way out of hand.
I would never recommend co-sleeping to anyone. I don’t feel it is logical, and now that my baby is crawling around it is a safety issue as well. I refuse to put bars up on my bed as this just becomes a crib.