Is it selfish of a stay at home mom to want the working dad to help out with their colic newborn at night?
ByIm a jobless mom. Its our first child and his colic and i am just 19 years old. We dont always know what to do when he cries. My fiance works and expects me to do everything for our baby on my own. I already feel bad to stay at home and not work and yet i ask him to help me at night. Is it selfish of me to ask for just a little help from him?
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28 Comments
April 6th, 2010 at 5:34 am
Yeah go for it.
April 6th, 2010 at 6:24 am
No…Even though you stay at home it is not all your responsibility. Sure you don’t “go to work” but you do alot.
It would be better for him to help cause then you have time to your self to calm down and get back on track and then you can go back to the baby. I think he should help.
April 6th, 2010 at 6:40 am
NO WAY! I am a stay at home mom and I totally expect my husband to help! You need a break! You will lose your mind if you do not get a break! I explain it to him this way: ‘Although you are at work, and I appreciate the hard work you do to support us, I am also at work here at home with our child. Our child does not give me a lunch break or a 10 min break to do whatever, it is 100% full time. Please help while you are here’ Besides you want your child to bond with your fiance as well!
Really though you need to make sure you get some alone time. Even if it is just a quick shower, 20 min nap, and a bite to eat! Share the load
Oh yeah Gripe Water is AMAZING for colic!
April 6th, 2010 at 7:01 am
Not selfish at all. I was on maternity leave for the first year of my daughters life, and my husband would still help out whenever need be even though he had to get up for work. Colicky babies can be tricky, if you feel overwhelmed, it happens to the best of us, put the baby in his crib and walk away to cool down. My daughter wasn’t colicky, and I had to do that from time to time when nothing seemed to work…I wish you the best of luck!
April 6th, 2010 at 7:49 am
I dont work either. When my daughter was an infant i asked my husband to help me out too. Just because you dont have a paying job doesnt mean you dont work. Taking care of a baby all day at home is a fulltime job. A very hard fulltime job. My husband would sometimes get upset with me for having to help with the night time feedings, but he understood that i was tired. I have two small children i am at home with constantly. it gets hard. the daddy needs to help too!!
April 6th, 2010 at 8:33 am
Colic is very demanding and somtimes quite annoying and help from the father would be nice but he is working. he has to get the most sleep he can to get up and go to work. Don’t demand help just ask for all he can do.
April 6th, 2010 at 9:14 am
I think you both should expect to be tired. He needs to understand that you need rest too, and he should let you. But don’t expect him to stay up all night when he has to get up the next morning for work.
My suggestion to you would also be to sleep when the baby sleeps…forget about housework, eat off of paper plates so you don’t need to worry about dishes piling up. Relax. Sleep whenever you can lie down.
April 6th, 2010 at 9:25 am
No it is not selfish. There are two parents in the house so both should help each other with baby.
April 6th, 2010 at 9:45 am
No it is not selfish. There are some drops that your pediatrician can prescribe to help with the colic.
April 6th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Oh my goodness, no – you’re not being selfish at all. Your fiance is – working is way, way easier than taking care of a baby, especially one who has colic. Having been a stay at home mom AND a working mom, I know this. Work was a breeze compared to staying home with my kids. I’m home now, and my husband does just as much at home as I do (cooks, cleans, gets up with the kids). I just expect it – this is a partnership – he works, but I’m at home working too. When we’re both there, we both work together. Definitely don’t feel guilty about asking for him to help!
April 6th, 2010 at 10:02 am
You should not feel bad. Being a new mother is overwhelming enough and he is the father and should WANT to help. I understand he works but he still made the decision to have a baby and should be apart of the responsibility that comes along with it. Dont worry it will get better…
April 6th, 2010 at 10:04 am
No its not my mom had to do absoulty everything and it was not selfish at all she had no time to do anything with me.
She had a lot of mental problems too.
My dad would do cocaine and get drunk a lot through out my whole life.
I don’t know what anyone would do without her.
She would even cook and clean for everyone i’m surprised she never resorted in suicide.
I hope he does help you out and be a good father unlike mine he got his license taken away last night for drinking >_<
April 6th, 2010 at 10:26 am
No it is not selfish. Being a stay at home mom is a job, too. He needs to understand that, too. You both made the baby, you both should take care of it.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:10 am
you aren’t jobless, you work 24/7 with your baby, its not like your sitting on your butt twiddling your thumbs, so don’t feel bad about not working a 9-5.
you aren’t selfish to expect some help at night, especially with a colic newborn. your only human and need some help/a break too. he is also this baby’s parent and should share in the responsibility of taking care of him, and not just financially.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:49 am
I’m a SAHM too and I feel you. my boyfriend does work a full schedule and comes home very tired (he’s on his feet all day too). he said the other day he wished he could stay home with the baby. but being a SAHM is exhausting, especially if the baby is sick, teething, or colicky. being a SAHM is a 24 hour a day job too, you get no lunch breaks and no sick leave. you don’t get to leave it at the end of the day. I ask my boyfriend to wake up to do diaper changes at night and then I breast feed him. he also gets up in the morning with the baby if the baby wakes up early…we switch on and off doing this. come to a compromise. you deserve some time too. it’s the only way to stay sane!
April 6th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
OMG…being a full time mum is like 3 full time jobs in one. Many guys just do not get it!
No you are not being selfish. Though of course he needs some uninterrupted sleep so he can function at work. It is absolutely NOT ok for him to expect you to do everything.
You are engaged to marry this guy? You need some help, I’d advise some counselling.
April 6th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
No it isn’t selfish & you shouldn’t think of yourself as a “jobless mom”, being a parent is a 24 hour job w/no breaks.
April 6th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
He helped you make the baby. He’s gotta help take care of it. It takes two to tango is the phrase I’ve always used.
April 6th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
No, it’s not selfish at all, but I understand your guilt and concern. Colicky babies can stress anyone, and you need a break after a full day watching your baby, specially with colic. Your fiancee also needs time to bond with your baby.
I am currently unemployed so I stay home with my 2 months old boy and he gets colic almost every evening for couple of hours and I do need help by the time my husband gets home. Talk to your fiancee and be very open about your feelings, I am sure he will understand.
April 6th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
no!!! you’re working too… 24 hours!!! try to get a schedule going with your fiance;; he needs to respect what you do as much as you respecting him for what he does;; try to get him to understand that he will actually LOVE the time he can spend with the baby (cuz he will);;;
for the colic, try to find a comfortable place/position for the baby;; my daughter had colic the 1st 4 months, we found out later (@ 7 y/o) it was her formula;; she was allergic to soy all along;; she loved to be held belly down across my forearm (head @ my elbow, belly @ my wrist & feet straddled); I think it was actually my wrist that was giving her comfort on her belly; that was the ONLY thing that gave her comfort;;
we tried all the “conventional ways to soothe her, driving in the car, putting her on the dryer (for the hummmm), putting her in her swing, trying a rocking chair, nothing worked except for that position; I think the pressure of the wrist against her belly relieved the gas… Hope it helps!!
April 6th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
NOT AT ALL!!! so, he works what….8 hours, then he comes home to do what? and you are working 24 hours! He should help even if your baby wasnt colicy.
You need to sit down with him and have a talk and tell him what your day is like and that you arent getting enough rest and cant cope. Or, plan something so you have to leave for a few hours(my hubby couldnt handle more than that) when you come home and he sais OMG!!! you can say see, that is what i deal with all day and night, dont you think you should help me out a little. You should ask him to help with other things also, give him certain “jobs” that he does with the baby. Baths, or the night feeding. When he come home say, i am going to take a shower, a nap or go to the grocery store, I just need to be alone for a while to regroup so i dont go insaine.
Take it from me, make him do things with your baby it will help your relationship and he will get a chance to bond with your baby. I did everything with my kids and i started resenting my husband and going insaine, when i finally said something, blew a gasket! he said all you had to do was ask. Going to work is easy, taking care of a baby 24/7 with no help isnt…and mine didnt have colic.
April 6th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
just because you don’t get paid your work around the clock. your on a new job with new things happening every day. he is doing the same job everyday for a set amount of hours. make him get his ass up and help. you didn’t make that baby alone.
April 6th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
HELL NO! The father should help. My son was colicy I made sure my husband helped me out. He should want to anyway. Besides, you staying at home all day with a baby is a job, never mind the colic, and he should realize that.
April 6th, 2010 at 4:32 pm
It’s not selfish. One of the hardest adjustments for me when I had my first baby was the fact that I was ALWAYS ‘on the clock’. Stand your ground, but try to keep it positive. You can get a lot farther with him if you don’t accuse and demand, even if that’s what you are feeling. Wait until you can have a calm conversation about it, and talk about ways to share the responsibilities of being a family.
April 6th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
No i dont think it is. I am a stay at home mom also and im 21. Im looking for a part time job now to get a break from our son and to make so extra cash my son is about 4 months old now. I get up 2 times at night and my husband once. Do that =) It helped me a TON and its not too hard on him to take some responsibility. And if your not sure if the relationship will work out cause of the lack of help PLEASE email me. also if u wann aemail me details abotu your babies colic and how you feed him and his schedule i may have additional advice for you. Kinda need know details on how u feed him and all tht=P
April 6th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
It’s not selfish, but anyway, here are some tips to help you through the colic.
1) if you had a craving throughout your pregnancy, indulge in it now too, it usually helps to soothe the baby
2) give him little tummies when you know that he’s crying because of the colic
3) lay him on his back and pick his feet up in the air, and press gently down on his tummy, it will release the gas, and make him more comfy.
4) bicycle his legs slowly in rotating motion, it also works to calm the baby
good luck .
April 6th, 2010 at 6:44 pm
Being an “equal partner” means doing an equal share of the work -I don’t mean that parents do the same jobs but their overall share should be equal.
Obviously your husband works, and that is part of taking care of the family. But while he is at work you are taking care of the baby AND presumably doing the household chores (or if not while he is at work in general). If your baby were in daycare that would be taken care of by two separate individuals.
Yes your husband needs enough sleep to function at work, but you need enough sleep to be a good caregiver for your baby.
Its not selfish to ask for help when you need it, but you need to sit down and discuss it ahead of time if possible so that you can find a way that everyone’s needs (not wants) are being met. For example husbands that work often stay up later than moms, so he could easily be in charge of the baby for a few hours while you sleep that he would be awake anyway
April 6th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Ok I am a SAHM my husband worked a full time job until he was sent to Iraq. I never once thought of making him help with the baby who also had colic. He has a job that he is expected to be able to do. His employer does not want to hear “I was up all night with the baby.” They would just fire him and find some one else to fill his position. Also if he is dead tired from not sleeping then he could be so tired he could wreck his car on the way to work and be seriously injured or killed. Then you will have to work and take care of a kid on your own. Sorry but Your gonna have to suck it up and wait the ccolicout.