Stay-at-home-dad question?
ByMy husband works full time (night shift) and after taxes, makes enough to pay my mom for watching our two kids during the week, with maybe $100 left over for “incidentals.” The only drawback is that we get a discount on our auto insurance through his employer. What do you guys think of him refusing to be a SAHD? My solution was for him to work weekends–basically enough to keep our auto ins discount, put a few bucks in his pocket, and have some “adult” time with friends/coworkers. He is adamantly refusing. He’s working to pay daycare, basically. Right now, we pay all bills off my salary, and other than the auto insurance discount (which would continue if he worked weekends) there is no drawback that I can see to him staying home. Opinions? Advice? Reasons why he should/shouldn’t stay home? I’m going to show him all answers, so please be honest (no matter what your opinion is!).
As for bringing home the bacon, I don’t know that this is an issue as I am the bread winner in the family.
jt brought up the point I forgot to mention–time with kids is priceless. True they’re being cared for by my mom, but she’s MY mom–not theirs. Why work if it’s only to pay daycare, and you are physically and mentally able to care for your own kids?
Many respondants seem to feel that I’m FORCING him to do this. Quite the opposite. (Guess I should have mentioned this in my original post.) We talked several months ago and HE decided he was going to quit work, take care of our boys full time, and go to school part time in the evenings when I arrived home from work. Now all that has changed, and I’m not sure why. And I’ve never rubbed it in his face that I’m the breadwinner. He knows it; I know it; but that’s that–I never mention it.
Related posts:
- How can I afford to be a stay at home mom?
- Have you ever met a stay-at-home Dad?
- What is the normal routine for a stay at home mom?
- Does society have a bias that being a stay at home mother is harder than being a stay at home dad?
- Is it wrong of me to not care what my friends think of me being a stay at home Dad?
21 Comments
January 30th, 2010 at 5:31 am
Most guys feel like they need to be the ones bringing home the bacon. He might feel like he lost him manly hood for staying at home.
January 30th, 2010 at 5:34 am
Staying at home with kids all day, all week long, is a tough thing to do, and is very likely very intimidating to him. He could feel inadequate to take on such a charge, or he could be stuck in an old fashioned “that’s women’s work” point of view. Find out why he’s resisting so strongly, and see if you can’t come to an agreement on something.
January 30th, 2010 at 6:12 am
Perhaps his refusal is due to him feeling like he would not be helping out… if you are the bread maker in the family, perhaps he’s feeling a little..unworthy and like he isn’t contributing as much as he can….I know for sure that is how I would feel in his situation… The choice should be a combined one and support all the way around is for sure a must.
Good Luck to both of you.
January 30th, 2010 at 6:59 am
You mean he’s refusing to do what you want to force him to do? Isn’t that a decision you both would have to come to? You are there, but if he is not, then it won’t work. He doesn’t want to do it. Most men feel that they need to work to support his family. He is contributing. That is good. That is where part of his WORTH is. Without him having a sense of worth and honor, you’ve got much bigger problems on your hands. You have looked at both of your incomes and made a DIVISION, a separation. Those two things are a LACK OF UNITY. Don’t go splitting hairs. You feel that your solution would be a logical, economical solution, but there is obviously more to it. You didn’t tell us his side other than he refuses to do what you’ve proposed. Be glad FAMILY and not strangers keep your kids. That is very important. My suggestion is to be sure to meet in the middle, not just on your side of the highway. Peace.
January 30th, 2010 at 7:15 am
It’s an ego thing. Most men don’t feel it’s cool to stay home with the kids. Just tell him that times have changed – stop being a boy and be a man. An extra $100 these days really isn’t worth much. Time with you kids is PRICELESS. OK, cheesy, but true!
January 30th, 2010 at 7:37 am
My hubby would love to be a SAHD. He’s told me plenty of times, if I made as much money as him, (enough to support the family), he’d be happy to stay at home. I agree w/ you, why pay for babysitter, when your kids can have daddy home w/them, it’s sooo much more rewarding. And then visits w/ grandma would be more special for your kids, too.
January 30th, 2010 at 7:48 am
Maybe he he feels that staying home with the kids would emasculate him because traditionally it’s something women did. Maybe it’s because the traditional role for a man has been to work and he feels the need to contribute. If you’re not losing or gaining anything from him, working or not working I don’t really see a problem if it makes him happy to work.
January 30th, 2010 at 8:21 am
I think SAHD are great IF that is what THEY want! For some men, they feel that they must provide and see staying home as a failure to provide for their families. For others, the time spent with their kids is worth everything. I am a mom who is working to pay daycare and provide insurance for our family (I have one child who will be uninsurable if he loses insurance coverage or in about $10,000 in our current coverage). I need to work for my mental health, but admire stay at home parents. YOu and your hubby are the onl ones who can make this choice, because you are the only ones who know what is right for your family. I’ll pray for you as you make this difficult decision.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:07 am
I wouldn’t want to force him to stay home full time with the children if he is adamantly against it. They would sense his reluctance and perhaps interpret it as a lack of love. Not a lot of men can be stay-at-home Dads. It is an extremely difficult job. If he wants to work full-time to pay for your Mom to take care of the children, then so be it. Good luck to all of you, this is a tough situation.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I guess i will have to back him this time. If he doesn’t want to stay at home then its because he doesn’t want to be a house mom. Some people just don’t want to do it. I am a female and i would have gave my right arm to be at home raising my children but couldn’t afford it. Many women dont want to be “stay at home” mom’s. You cant make him do it cuz its not in his heart to do. Part of it could be because some of his friends would ridicule him because of it. You would just make him bitter if he had to. Some dads do stay at home and enjoy all the time that they get to spend with their child. So my answer would be,,,,,,,
Its his choice. Sorry,, i know thats not what you wanted to hear.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:43 am
personally i cant stand not to work….maybe this is his stance also…although i must say that i would love to be able to have someone at home taking care of the domestic things….women are more instinctive about these things though and it may be hard for him to let go of his responsible end of your monetary matters…if it aint broke dont fix it…if youre able to pay your bills and still have some funds left over, what do you care what he does with his time so long as it supports the family unit…if you only want him to stay home because he’ll be home at night with you then either he would need to find a day job or you would have to learn to be a little less selfish……hey you asked for honesty no matter what
January 30th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Why is it so important for you that he stay at home? If your kids are happy, your mother is happy and your husband is happy what is the problem? Now, if your mom has an issue with continuing to take care of your kids then I think you might want to sit down and talk to your husband and come to some sort of solution together. Or maybe this is an issue of you are tired of him working the night shift. If that is the problem you need to tell him that you want him home at night. Otherwise it seems to me like you have just decided what should be done and to heck with what anyone else might think or feel. And that is not going to work for anyone…
January 30th, 2010 at 11:11 am
i had a friend in a similar situation.she really just worked so she could be around adults.she made the same as he did after child care < warning> her salary put the family in a different tax bracket they owed money at the end of the year to irs. it turned out she really didn’t earn much at all,look into that what you may save on car insurance you may have to give it to them latter.but if he really likes his job and wants to work.maybe its not the money he’s really after evaluate the situation and you may find other reason other than car insurance
January 30th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
The two of you should make separate lists of the benefits and drawbacks to each situation and then discuss them with each other.
Think about the ways you were raised- how did your care arrangements make you feel? What hopes and dreams do you have for your kids?
It’ll be a LONG talk, maybe one that needs to be spread out over time, but in the end thinking about these things will help you come to the decision that’s right for your family.
Remember: not everyone is cut out for work outside the home, and not everyone is cut out for working inside it, either.
January 30th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
If you are telling me you have enough MONEY to let him stay home…Your salary is doing most of the bills…..O.K. most dads just are to insecure to taking care of their own children and thats ok…but you seem to think he can handle it that is a plus for this dad……don’t give up on him but give him some in put to what you want talk to him and see if you BOTH can come up with a solution..work together on this……..If dad is not a happy SAHD,,, the children will know. and they need to be happy tooooo sureilll….
January 30th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Well, quite a long time ago I gave up my job to be a SAHM, not only because of the money factor (same situation as you) but also because I didn’t want strangers raising my children. So in an argument for him to continue to work: at least you have your mom watching the kids, so you know what kind of values she is instilling. Secondly, although I don’t regret staying at home with them at all, after several years of doing that, I definitely lost out on the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder. Therefore, also lost out on pay increases, increase vacation time, benefits, etc. You have to consider that when he goes back out to the workforce that his resume will have a period of time which is void of employment. However, the plusses of him staying home are that it is definitely less stressful, it’s for a short period of time until they are in school, and he can pursue other interests while home with the kids. The children will benefit from having a hands-on Dad and you just can’t get that kind of time back should you choose to be out of the picture. As a result of my being at home, I became an entrepreneur and haven’t looked back. I believe you have an advantage in having your mom provide the daycare you require, and that your husband should look at both the pros and cons of leaving his position and you should discuss it together and be respectful of his decision either way.
January 30th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
my opinion is that I think he needs to know what he is getting into. Being a stay at home parent is tough. I have always been the family bread winner, (my husband was in school) but now he is graduated and I am the stay at home mom. He works all the time and expects alot out of me because I stay at home. Depending on how many kids you have is how hard it will really be. I have two girls, 4 and 5. And they go to school, witch means volounteer hours there, and helping with homework, and cleaning house, and feeding time, and bed time, and reading time, and doing all the laundary, and dishes and total house work. When my hubby took over the work thing and I took over the house thing, It has been hard trying to get everything done. I refuse to let my hubby help all the time becasue it is my job to maintain the house. I think if your hubby thinks he can handle this big job then great. But I would make sure he knows that you will not be helping all the time. I think that if one person stays at home(mom or dad) then they have to take responsability of the whole house. Not just being a babysitter. This means he should have to do all the house cleaning, kid watching, laundary doing, responsabilities. But my hubby did it and I am sure yours could to. My hubby is thankful that he did. He spent good time with his kids, and they all have a great relationship now because of it. Here are some links to look at also.
http://www.slowlane.com/
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/stayathomedads/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay_at_home_dad
http://www.fatherville.com/Articles/Stay_At_Home_Dads/
January 30th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
My hubby would love to stay at home, but not be the stay at home dad considering our daughter is now 17. You couldn’t have paid me enough to be a SAHM. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter very much, but I need more out of my day than changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, etc. I do that enough without being a SAHM.
January 30th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
What kind of atmosphere would the kids be living in if you MADE your husband stay at home with them? He has already told you that he doesn’t want to do this. It is enough that you already put him down by making comments like “I am already paying all our bills now, so his bringing home the bacon is irrelevant” or however it was you worded it.
Your husband is a man who feels he has to be allowed to contribute what he can. And what he is contributing is enough of a salary to pay your mom for looking after your kids.
You have no more “right” to push him to become a housewife, than he has to demand the same of you.
Does your husband put you down as easily as you do him? Maybe what he should be doing is looking for a woman who won’t treat him as incidental, and worth nothing but a way to save on day care and car insurance!?
Shame on you.
January 30th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
I’ve been a stay at home dad for the past 2yrs. It wasn’t necessarily by choice as I was laid off from my last job in 2002. My wife is a teacher & it is a struggle on just her salary alone. I’ve tried looking for work, but with limited skills it is very hard & also I have a physical disablity.
When we adopted our daughter in 2004, I did stay at home with her. I would like to work again if I possibly can. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home dad. Just as long as he “Provides” the moral & spritual leadership in his house.
And yes I do the laundry, dishes, cooking. But I don’t just see it as chores, but rather as a way to help my wife & family out as best as I can!
January 30th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
so you are saying he doesnt want to just work weekends and be a SAHD right? he wants to keep his full time?
if your salary is good then i dont see why he dont want to, but then again maybe he is doing the smart thing in making sure you both have a job just in case if one loses thiers. then you have one to fall back on.well depending, how much is your mom charging you to watch her grandson? she should be happy to spend time with the child let alone charge you an arm and a leg for it.